non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
