Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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