When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
