This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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