Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
