So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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