even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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