i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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