My liver just broke up with me...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
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