she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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