I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
we made out on top of his cat.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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