If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
