Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
