Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
