cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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