When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
