you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
