He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
