we have pet lesbian snakes
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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