Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
