Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
