chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
