Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
