a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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