the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
