I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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