I could make wine with my vomit
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There r osticjed everywhere
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize