Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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