My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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