I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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