Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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