the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
