i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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