The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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