come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
