his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
