Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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