OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
The adults are the big ones right?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
