Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
