Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
