I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The air was thick with penises
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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