well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
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