Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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