I cannot find my penis.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
