Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
