I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
