Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
