this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
