my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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