i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
