i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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