Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
