look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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