i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
