I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
