Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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