I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
