Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
