Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
